Hoarding

 

There was a time when I would have considered myself a hoarder of stuff. I kept everything, from clothing to toys to kitchen and office stuff, and more. There was a time when I was ashamed to allow people into my home and if the landlord wanted an inspection, I could only hope they gave me a heads up because I needed several days to accomplish it being even somewhat presentable enough to pass. 

I wasn’t always that bad. Though my house growing up wasn’t the worst, I did keep a lot of stuff that I didn’t need. Matter of fact I still have stuff in storage from my childhood that I have held on to. I need to let it go. 

I realized it was a big problem when a friend and I decided to help each other out by spending a day each week in each other’s homes cleaning. So I went over to her house and helped her one day and then she came to mine. I could see in her face that she had gotten into a much bigger commitment than she had planned on. I felt it too. And I felt so bad for it. After she left, I still had a lot to do. I soon got to a point that if I spent an hour each night cleaning, I could keep it mostly clean. 

We then moved to where we are now. When we packed all our stuff we found we would need a 27 ft truck to move our small 3 bed town home to a 3 bed condo that was only slightly bigger. Soon after moving in, I found that I reverted back to the way things were before I got a handle on it in the last place we lived. 

I got super depressed. I figured that going that direction was not healthy so I sought out a therapist ( not for this specifically, but for the underlying issues of trauma and other things). I started uncovering a ton of issues that I needed to work on and found myself in a very dark place and I had a hard time even wanting to wake up. My house got pretty bad. I remember going to work and a friend watching my kids and while I was gone she came over and cleaned my kitchen. She wasn’t afraid to do that. I was so embarrassed and also very thankful because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. 

Then one Christmas Eve as we had a party at our house with friends, she and I and another friend helped the kids get rid of stuffed animals they had that were taking up a ton of space. The kids thought we had gone crazy. It was true!! 

This was the first time we sat and talked about why each animal they kept was so important. I think that helped them to get rid of ones that were less important. 

This experience led me to start decluttering. The next few months we got rid of a TON of stuff. And it was hard. I know for sure there were 40 (yes, 40!) garbage bags of clothes that were too small for the kids or that my husband and I didn’t wear. And probably that many in garbage/toys/other stuff. My house was so clean!!! But I still felt like we had so much stuff. It was a wonderful start for sure. 

Two years ago we got new floors in the main area of our condo and we dejunked then too. But the last few years  we have added a few things in our living area that have really taken a lot of space. 

This last few weeks, we As a family, started watching hoarders. We literally watch a few episodes a night. As we have watched, I have listened to how the therapists and organizers and cleaning specialists have helped work through the reasons why these people have held on to things. It has been interesting too because  it originally started out as just my husband and I watching, and slowly the kids started watching with us. We have had some good discussions about things in regards to hoarding and none of us ever want to end up in that situation. 

This weekend, we started going through things again and we got rid of 7 bags of junk/garbage, plus 8 laundry baskets of junk/garbage from our kitchen/living area and both bathrooms. We also got rid of a TON of dishes and appliances we no longer use and haven’t used in years. The kids all helped and we deep cleaned and redecorated the bathrooms with new stuff  (shower curtains, bath mats, accessories, and wall decor) and we are hopefully finishing up the kitchen tomorrow. Then we wi go through some more things in the living area next weekend.  I have even noticed the kids making sure their rooms are clean and getting rid of things they don’t need here and there. 

I recently started following @iammattpaxton and have been very impressed with his story. He has been an amazing help to me. He stopped working on the hoarders show to start a show called Legacy List. On his page last week he talked about what his legacy list is. He had 5. He has been explaining each of them and I have truly enjoyed his stories. They are incredible. I decided I would also make a list. 

Though this may not be my final list, it is for now. 

1. Painting that my grandma got the year she graduated high school. 
2. The rainbow painting in my room
3. The memory box with items given to me when we lost our baby
4. The box my grandmother made in his go school that contains a doll that was made for me by her brother who passed away shortly after. 
5. My journals. 

The painting my grandmother got when she graduated is super special. A little back story to what it means. She was 16 when she got married and pregnant. She had to drop from school to be a wife and mother. She raised her kids through some very hard times and the. Decided later that she would get her diploma. She graduated when my mom was around 16/17. It reminds me of the dedication she had to do something hard and also that it is never too late in life to accomplish something. It was also the one constant thing on my grandparents wall that never moved in 35 years until it came to my house this last year. 

The rainbow painting in my room is new. It represents a freedom from hiding who I was in the past and a calm and peaceful acceptance that I don’t have to change who I am to be happy. It represents a break in the journey, a vacation to rest and rejuvenate and enjoy nature knowing that there is more to do. I love rainbows and this is a picture full of colors from the rainbow. When I look at it, I see the beauty of a hard road and it makes me happy. 

When We lost our baby, things were hard. I was devastated. Then during surgery to remove the baby that wouldn’t pass on its own, I almost lost my life. This box is something that holds the memories of a time when I fought hard to live. A memory of how I overcame this loss of life and almost my life. How I came to find a will to stay alive even during the hard times. And even though I’ve lost that will a time or two since then, it reminds me that I can get back up and try again and that loss is hard, but staying alive to experience it is super important. 

I didn’t know my grandmother. I was given this box by her sister one day. It was made by my grandmother and is the only thing I have from her. It contains a doll my uncle made for me before he passed away and a picture of her Inside. 

Lastly, my journals. I don’t really know how to explain why they are so important. They contain so many memories of the good, the bad, and ugly in my life. They are words and pictures and memories that can’t be shown through things. They hold my past. The awful traumatic things I went through and they hold my present where I have successfully grown and learned from the past. The times I have let go and helped from the hard things. The joy and love I feel as I continue to let go of the pain and hold on to the light and love and peace I have been given through this work that I have done!! I am not done living my life, so that will continue to grow, but I am so thankful for having written down both the good and bad so that I can look back and remember where I was. 

Hoarding is not easy to live with. Trust me. I don’t know many people who have dealt with it personally, though I do know a few. If you struggle with this or even struggle with organizing, I’m starting to get really good at it, and I’m totally willing to help talk you through what is holding you back, or even to come help you. I know how scary it is to open up to someone about these issues. It’s hard and it might even feel like someone is judging. I will never be that person. I will never judge you for these things because I have been there. I have experienced it. I know there is healing and joy, and I know it takes time. And trust me on this, it’s a lot easier with help. 

I promise that releasing stuff will lighten your load. What you are carrying, is heavy. 

Thanks for reading my really long TED talk about Hoarding. If you got this far, you are a rockstar!!! 

Check out @iammattpaxton on Instagram. He has great insights.