I am sure many of you have wondered where I went. Well at least I hope one of you actually thought, "Wow, she hasn't written anything in a really long time, I wonder where she is?" It doesn't really matter if you thought that or not. I have been MIA for a while now. I have started several blog posts that I never ended up finishing because none of them were the right things to say at the moment.
So where DID I go? Besides completely crazy. Nowhere. I was crazy. I was crazy with frustration, pain, sorrow, heartache, negativity, failure, hurt, sadness, anger, and I really didn't want to feel that way anymore. I was depressed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go to the park. I didn't want to clean my house. I didn't want to socialize. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to talk to my kids or my husband. I didn't want to read my scriptures. I still did most of those things. I didn't want to, but I did. No matter how hard I tried to read my scriptures and say my prayers, and do all the things that I knew I needed to do, I still felt very shut off from the Lord.
After many long months of this a day came along that I locked my keys in my car, had a frustrating day with some things at home and then to top it all off my dish disposal quit working. I lost my mind at that moment. I called my husband and told him I needed to get away for a few days by myself. I wanted to run away. I couldn't stay here any longer. I couldn't handle it. So I booked a flight to California. I kept thinking that things would get better before I left and that I would think this whole situation was silly and that I was over reacting, but every day felt like it was getting worse. It felt like no matter how hard I tried to be the good wife and mom I always hoped to be, I was failing, so I thought.
I spoke with several friends. Some thought a trip alone was a really good idea and others knew the truth -that nothing would be different when I got back. They were both right. However, I needed to have a moment to collect my thoughts, in this case 5 days. I needed to get myself back on the right path with my savior. I needed to find a reason to live again, to have the will to get out of bed. So I flew to California. I spent the week with my Brother and Sister in law and my adorable niece. We went to Yosemite, Carmel by the Sea, and Monterrey. It was a beautiful week and I spent the majority of it in nature and with some of my favorite people. It was refreshing. I needed the break. My brother in law even made me a special birthday dinner of Chicken Marsala and home made Naan bread. It was sooooo good.
The trip was good. The food was good. Seeing family was great! The flight there was great. The flight home was miserable, but I survived. When I got home, nothing had changed, but I had started coming out of a depression that had hold of me for a long time. The trip at least helped me to be able to start climbing out of it.
Before I left I met with my bishop and we had a good discussion and I was able to ponder on that while I was in California. I haven't followed up with him since then, but I should. I had some amazing insight from my trip. I had a lot more after I returned home. Did things change while I was gone? No. I knew they wouldn't. Some of my friends even knew that. So maybe a trip to California was a little crazy, but no matter how crazy it was, it is the reason I was able to climb out of the darkness.
So where am I now? Well, I spent a week and a half after returning home planning the rest of Girl camp. I spent the whole time immersed in the scriptures and praying. I finished planning and shopping for camp and then of course I went to camp. Camp was great. I felt that I was very prepared and that we had a good turn out and I hope that the girls had fun. I felt the spirit for the first time in Months while at girls camp. When I opened the camp with my thoughts it was strong. I thought I was going to cry, but I don't like crying in front of people and I held back. I hope that the girls felt the spirit that was there throughout camp.
What is my point in all of this?
Mostly to say that first, life can sometimes be depressing, hard, frustrating, painful, sorrowful, sad, full of anger and heartbreak. There may be times that you feel that the Lord is not there no matter how hard you try to feel his presence. Maybe you don't deal with depression, but there will be trials in your life. At least I haven't met anyone who has never had some kind of trial in their lives. Secondly, even though we may have these trials, there is a light at the end. A happiness, a joy, a love, a smile, a gladness, a rejoicing, that will follow these great trials if we have faith.
I tried to do what I should be doing and eventually that light did come. It took time and it was a trial for me, but I am in the light and I feel great right now. I am closer to the Lord than I was a few weeks ago, honestly I am closer to the Lord now in the last few weeks than I have been in YEARS. I don't know what changed or if I was just frustrated to a point that I didn't allow the Lord to enter my heart. Even though I had all the negative thoughts and feelings, I was able to get through that trial. It was hard, but the light of our Savior was there waiting for me to find it.
I hope that if you are ever experiencing a trial in your life that you will have faith that if you continue to do the things the Lord has asked of you, that eventually that light will come and your trial will end. I know that this is true. I have experienced it so many times, and sometimes we just need to remember that the Lord is always there. He is always willing to give us peace if we ask for it believing it will come to us. Remember that it will happen in the Lord's time. I have found that if I am not feeling peace or the trial is still causing all the negative feelings, that I have not exercised my faith, or there is something for me to learn from a specific trial.
So, anyway, in short, I AM BACK! I intend on writing some much happier posts now that I am feeling so much better. I hope that this post will help someone else to stay strong through a trial, or even ask for help from a friend, or your bishop, or just have faith that the trial you are going through will come to a close and the Lord will allow peace to come to you in his time.
I appreciate if you made it this far in my post. I think you are all amazing friends. I appreciate what you do for me whether you live close or far away. You are all fantastic. I hope you have a great week and I promise to write some more uplifting blogs in the future. :)
