Suicide Awareness

My dear amazing friends and family. This is a very sensitive subject and I would like to give you some information here that may help you or someone you know. First of all I would like to tell you my story. I will add pictures of an amazing brochure that I recently received as I go. 

 I thought about what to share with you for a long time. I have written and re-written this post many times and I have not felt like it was good enough or vulnerable enough and so I am going to get downright real with you all today. It is important for me to talk about.

 In 6th grade I had a friend that sat by me in my computer class. We talked the whole time we were in class, at least when the teacher let us talk. We had some great conversations. I didn't hang out with him anywhere else in school, but I said hi to him in the hallways and he always said hi back and that was the extent of our friendship. One day I showed up to school and we had our first class which was computers. He didn't show up. I wondered if he was sick and I was sad that I would have to sit alone in class that day. Soon the announcements for the day started. They announced that a suicide had happened and who it was and that there were counselors brought to the school for anyone who might need to talk. My heart sank as I realized who they were talking about and I didn't know what I wanted. I went down to the counselors and sat in a hallway waiting for a chance to talk to one, but I really didn't know what I would say so I went to the office and called my mom and told her what happened and told her I didn't want to stay at school. She came and got me and took me to work with her. I sat down at the end of the hallway of her work staring out the green and pink windows while she finished. I was confused as to why he would want to stop living. I didn't really know that was an option.  I don't remember really talking with my parents about the situation other than telling them I would like to go to the funeral (it doesn't mean they didn't talk to me, I just don't remember).  I was able to attend the funeral and it was beautiful and sad. After that I didn't really bring it up much and I just buried my thoughts about it. I didn't know how much his death would really effect me the rest of my life.

 In high school I started having thoughts that I was not ever going to be good enough for anyone and that the world would be better off without me. I didn't really give in to those thoughts, but they came freely. I didn't know about depression or anything like that so I just thought that everyone thought these things and I was just having a bad day. When I got to college after having a few traumatic events happen, I started feeling that way so often that I couldn't sleep. I was getting maybe 2 hours  of sleep each night and my grades were starting to reflect that. I finally went to the doctor who told me that it was all in my head and that I was just a college student that needed to spend less time partying and more time studying. I finally got the courage to ask my mom and dad to talk to a therapist. They allowed me to go and I went maybe twice, but the person I went to didn't really know all the things I had been through and I wasn't really ready to talk about them. I suppressed everything and went on with my life.

 I got married and got pregnant with my first child and was so excited. Then a few years later a second, and then we moved away from home and then I got pregnant with our third. Such amazing blessings in my life. In 2008 I was getting ready to have our third child's first birthday party. (I still don't understand why this is such a big thing, probably more of a celebration that we as parents kept them alive unlike the plants we have killed off weeks after obtaining them). Something triggered me and all of a sudden all of these things I had been suppressing started to come into my mind. I was so scared of what was going on in my head that I just sat at the bottom of my stairs and cried for hours because it just wouldn't stop. My head was spinning. My family didn't know what to do. I just wanted to be done with all the noise. I went for a walk. My intention was to end it all. I stood in the dark waiting for a big truck to come and one was finally coming. I was so happy that it was all going to be over, and then like that I was standing on the sidewalk. To this day I don't know if I was standing in the road or if I imagined standing in the road waiting for my life to be over. I walked home in tears and called a friend (who was also my bishop) and he helped me to get the help I need to start healing.

 I went to my doctor and started depression medication as I was not doing well at all. Once he and I found the right medication, life seemed to feel like it was worth living again. I began counseling and started the healing process. I stopped therapy a year later. I thought I was well. I was okay, but not well. I still had a lot of healing to do but again, I pushed it to the back of my mind and went on with my life. The next year was a very traumatic year, but we got through it and we continued on with our lives. In 2014 my grandfather passed away and I could feel myself going backwards and I knew I didn't want to do that so I found a new therapist where we were living. In 2017 things came crashing down. I had not been working hard on healing and I was still suppressing many things from my past. I finally reached a point in my life where keeping secrets was no longer serving me. I talked with my husband and told him all of the things, (that was hard for him and me and our conversations for the next 8 months were very simple). I wondered for months what my husband thought of what I told him. I tried talking with him, but he was just not ready. I started down a dark path until one night I found myself sitting on a cliff. I was there for 10 hours. I was trying to figure out whether it was worth the fight, or if I could just be done. I wrote letters and tried to explain why I was going to do what I was thinking. Two things got me off the mountain cliff that day. 1. I remembered how hard it was to be on the being left behind side of suicide, I had many friends and a beautiful cousin who had given in to it, and it was hard. 2. Someone called me that night and she had no idea where my mind was, but she knew where I was. She talked with me about stuff she was dealing with and even though it wasn't about what I was dealing with, she was talking to me. In my mind I thought, maybe, just maybe, she cares enough about me to help me if I ask her. I didn't. I let her talk and it felt okay to be the one listening. She did ask me how I was feeling and where I was and I told her I was having a hard time, but I didn't tell her what I was thinking at the time. After we hung up, I decided that I needed more help than I was getting and decided to leave. I got in my car and thought of a million ways to stop living and make it look like an accident by the time I got to the bottom of the mountain. I immediately called my therapist. He got me in as soon as he could and we created a safety plan to help me avoid that situation ever again.

Since that time I have really dived into the healing process, talking and working through the past. I have been able to let go of a lot of things and learned how to deal with triggers and working through things as they come up instead of burying them until they get to be unbearable. I am so thankful to all those who were there and knew. I do apologize to those who had no idea, but it was a very scary time and I didn't really think there were a lot of people who would really care (mental state, not reality).

I am in the best place emotionally and mentally now than I can ever remember being.

Now, listen, this is the most important thing that I will say in this whole blog. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE! I'm not kidding. My life is good. I have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful children, Loving parents, In-laws, family, friends, and so many good people who surround me and have since I was born. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone!

ANYONE!

How can you help? Be aware of signs (though not all people have them) and just talk to people. I know that talking to someone on the "ledge" can be exhausting sometimes, I have had experience with that. When someone is in a deep dark spot, talking to them can be something that will save them. I have some other resources to help you if you ever have any questions. I have many other brochures talking about ways to help others, ways to learn how to deal with suicide if you know people who have done so, and I am always willing to listen, talk, or even just sit with you, if you are ever feeling like you have no other options.

I understand. I am here. Reach out if you can.

Thank you for reading. This post was very hard to write. I am in a really good place to take action and help others. Please don't be afraid to ask me for more information. I am always willing to talk.

Love you all,
Cynthia

The Middle Way

 First of all, I am really back this time.  I know I said I was going to publish more blogs in May, but it turns out life was still all sorts of crazy and I never got to it. Well, I am now one job shorter and have a little more time on my hands to be able to do things like clean my house, eat breakfast and lunch, and of course blog! Secondly, this is kind of going to be a little bit of repeat from my instagram/facebook post from yesterday, so I apologize in advance for those of you who have already read it. 

I have prayed many days and nights for years to get help with the extremes in my life. I did not think I would ever get an answer to those many prayers. It was becoming a fact of life that I would need to live in those extremes for the rest of my life and it was exhausting! 

Last night as I was at rehearsal for the choir I am in (Lux Singer's women's Chorus) and I was listening to the director teach us some amazing things. The last thing we did during rehearsal was practice being in tune. He had us all singing and listening. He then told us to put our hand on our chest and close our eyes. He helped us to feel the vibrations and to listen to others around the room. Then after we had done the exercise, he talked about being in tune. If we are not in tune there is dissonance in our sound and in our lives.  This had already gotten me thinking. It is important to be in tune with our minds, hearts, and souls. It is important to be in tune with the things going on around you and in your life. If we are not in tune with what is going on in our lives, it creates dissonance. Maybe we are not in tune in our marriage, or our parenting, or our spiritual lives, all of these create dissonance and can cause permanent damage if we don't get back in tune. 

The director then began talking about The Middle Way. The Middle way comes from Buddhism, it is a path between two extremes. One that gives us peace as we walk through the chaos of life.  As Aristotle believed, "Every virtue is a mean between two extremes, each of which is a vice." I learned so much from this discussion last night. I already knew I lived in extremes. I either got all the things done and did everything in the world, or I did nothing at all because if I started I would have to finish and it was just too much to deal with. 

 Gandhi once said, "Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man whom you may have seen, and ask yourself if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him." This is what the middle road is. Continually checking in with our hearts, minds, souls, to determine whether or not what we are doing is changing ourselves and others for the better, or causing harm and pain to others. The middle way is an amazing way to face life challenges. It is a way to figure out the root to our problems and to find a solution to them. 

Our Director finished by saying, when we stop asking ourselves "is it me?" then we will find ourselves getting out of tune. 

What am I learning and how can I change to make things better? How am I going to apply this to my life? Will I be able to stop living in extremes? Is it me?

As I contemplate the answers to the questions and the answers I have been given, I just want to say how extremely grateful I am for a choir director and friend who is in tune. I love being a part of an amazing choir and the things I am learning through being a part of it. The choir and the people who are in the choir have saved me. I am so thankful for the loving people I get to be around when I am there. 

Tune in for my next adventure. I will be posting more soon! 

Healing Journey

Hello my amazing friends and family! It seems it has almost been a year since I have written on the blog. I have not been myself for a long time, but healing takes time. I have been coming out of my slump and orneriness and I am starting to feel more and more like myself. I know many of you have had to be around me as I have been going through this healing process and I just want to apologize if I ever hurt you or made you feel like I don't care. I never intended to hurt anyone and I know many of you had to deal with me at my very worst.

 

Depression is very real. Getting out of bed was often a struggle. I have never been so happy to have a job, but there were times that calling in was necessary because I literally couldn't pull myself out of bed. I am sure many of you have wondered why I keep myself so busy, this is the only way I used to know to keep myself from getting so depressed that I couldn't function. If I had something to do and someone else to focus on, I was able to keep going for them. Until...I couldn't. 

After Thanksgiving, I started to come out of that deep dark depression and I started working hard on myself. I decided if I can face all the pain and hurt that has happened in my life and start to heal from all of it, I may be able to avoid getting back to a point in my healing that I can overcome my deepest darkest secrets and I can stop wearing a mask because it would be real. 

I know many of you had no idea about any of my struggles because I did my best to keep them a secret from everyone and I avoided telling anyone for a long time. 

In February I was able to attend a retreat for women who had been sexually abused in their childhood. It was done by the Younique Foundation. This foundation sends women from all walks of life who have experienced childhood sexual abuse on a retreat for 4 days in the mountains in Utah. This retreat is fully paid for, all you have to do is get to Utah. They provide lodging, food, classes, group therapy, fun activities like Kintsuki and art journaling, and so much more. This retreat taught me far more about my healing journey than I could have ever asked for. During the retreat they do a makeover and photo shoot. The idea behind it is to help us each to see our inner and outer beauty. Here is one of my pictures for you that was taken that week. I was shocked to see how amazingly beautiful the pictures turned out. I have been sharing them on Facebook here and there but now you know why I had them taken.

This retreat helped me to want to talk to my family. I knew it would be hard to tell them because I had kept it a secret for a long time. I didn't know if they would believe me. I was terrified they would be angry with me. I was worried that I would hurt them by telling them now instead of coming to them after it had happened. I didn't want to do that. So I sat on it for a long time. I wrote many letters. After months of trying to figure out what to say, I finished my letter.   I finally sent the letter about the sexual abuse and many other things I had been dealing with to my family to let them know about all the things that happened in my life. As I began to tell people, I was met with love and support. 

After I sent the letter and received so much love and support, I suddenly felt lighter. In the last few weeks I have had numerous people ask me how much weight I have lost. I laughed every time someone asked because I have gained so much weight this last year! It is amazing how releasing a secret can change the way you carry yourself and people notice that. I was even recently approached by a friend who told me that I was starting to act more like myself and was glad to see that I was getting back to my normal self. 

I am still working through a lot of things. I know that as I continue to work hard through my past that I will keep getting back to my normal self. I have made a lot of changes in my life this year. It has been quite the adventure! If anyone has any questions, I have included links to the Younique Foundation website. If anyone has been through something like this, please know that I am available to talk if you need to. This was an amazing experience for me and I am so glad i had the opportunity to go. 

Healing is possible!

 As Chris Cleave has said, "A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means you survived!"

I just want to welcome ALL of the new people who have been invited to read and share in this blog with me. I intend on blogging much more and keeping up with this page. I hope you all made it this far. Thank you all of you who have been such a huge part of my healing journey. I love you all!