Healing Journey

Hello my amazing friends and family! It seems it has almost been a year since I have written on the blog. I have not been myself for a long time, but healing takes time. I have been coming out of my slump and orneriness and I am starting to feel more and more like myself. I know many of you have had to be around me as I have been going through this healing process and I just want to apologize if I ever hurt you or made you feel like I don't care. I never intended to hurt anyone and I know many of you had to deal with me at my very worst.

 

Depression is very real. Getting out of bed was often a struggle. I have never been so happy to have a job, but there were times that calling in was necessary because I literally couldn't pull myself out of bed. I am sure many of you have wondered why I keep myself so busy, this is the only way I used to know to keep myself from getting so depressed that I couldn't function. If I had something to do and someone else to focus on, I was able to keep going for them. Until...I couldn't. 

After Thanksgiving, I started to come out of that deep dark depression and I started working hard on myself. I decided if I can face all the pain and hurt that has happened in my life and start to heal from all of it, I may be able to avoid getting back to a point in my healing that I can overcome my deepest darkest secrets and I can stop wearing a mask because it would be real. 

I know many of you had no idea about any of my struggles because I did my best to keep them a secret from everyone and I avoided telling anyone for a long time. 

In February I was able to attend a retreat for women who had been sexually abused in their childhood. It was done by the Younique Foundation. This foundation sends women from all walks of life who have experienced childhood sexual abuse on a retreat for 4 days in the mountains in Utah. This retreat is fully paid for, all you have to do is get to Utah. They provide lodging, food, classes, group therapy, fun activities like Kintsuki and art journaling, and so much more. This retreat taught me far more about my healing journey than I could have ever asked for. During the retreat they do a makeover and photo shoot. The idea behind it is to help us each to see our inner and outer beauty. Here is one of my pictures for you that was taken that week. I was shocked to see how amazingly beautiful the pictures turned out. I have been sharing them on Facebook here and there but now you know why I had them taken.

This retreat helped me to want to talk to my family. I knew it would be hard to tell them because I had kept it a secret for a long time. I didn't know if they would believe me. I was terrified they would be angry with me. I was worried that I would hurt them by telling them now instead of coming to them after it had happened. I didn't want to do that. So I sat on it for a long time. I wrote many letters. After months of trying to figure out what to say, I finished my letter.   I finally sent the letter about the sexual abuse and many other things I had been dealing with to my family to let them know about all the things that happened in my life. As I began to tell people, I was met with love and support. 

After I sent the letter and received so much love and support, I suddenly felt lighter. In the last few weeks I have had numerous people ask me how much weight I have lost. I laughed every time someone asked because I have gained so much weight this last year! It is amazing how releasing a secret can change the way you carry yourself and people notice that. I was even recently approached by a friend who told me that I was starting to act more like myself and was glad to see that I was getting back to my normal self. 

I am still working through a lot of things. I know that as I continue to work hard through my past that I will keep getting back to my normal self. I have made a lot of changes in my life this year. It has been quite the adventure! If anyone has any questions, I have included links to the Younique Foundation website. If anyone has been through something like this, please know that I am available to talk if you need to. This was an amazing experience for me and I am so glad i had the opportunity to go. 

Healing is possible!

 As Chris Cleave has said, "A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means you survived!"

I just want to welcome ALL of the new people who have been invited to read and share in this blog with me. I intend on blogging much more and keeping up with this page. I hope you all made it this far. Thank you all of you who have been such a huge part of my healing journey. I love you all!