My dear amazing friends and family. This is a very sensitive subject and I would like to give you some information here that may help you or someone you know. First of all I would like to tell you my story. I will add pictures of an amazing brochure that I recently received as I go.
I thought about what to share with you for a long time. I have written and re-written this post many times and I have not felt like it was good enough or vulnerable enough and so I am going to get downright real with you all today. It is important for me to talk about.
In 6th grade I had a friend that sat by me in my computer class. We talked the whole time we were in class, at least when the teacher let us talk. We had some great conversations. I didn't hang out with him anywhere else in school, but I said hi to him in the hallways and he always said hi back and that was the extent of our friendship. One day I showed up to school and we had our first class which was computers. He didn't show up. I wondered if he was sick and I was sad that I would have to sit alone in class that day. Soon the announcements for the day started. They announced that a suicide had happened and who it was and that there were counselors brought to the school for anyone who might need to talk. My heart sank as I realized who they were talking about and I didn't know what I wanted. I went down to the counselors and sat in a hallway waiting for a chance to talk to one, but I really didn't know what I would say so I went to the office and called my mom and told her what happened and told her I didn't want to stay at school. She came and got me and took me to work with her. I sat down at the end of the hallway of her work staring out the green and pink windows while she finished. I was confused as to why he would want to stop living. I didn't really know that was an option. I don't remember really talking with my parents about the situation other than telling them I would like to go to the funeral (it doesn't mean they didn't talk to me, I just don't remember). I was able to attend the funeral and it was beautiful and sad. After that I didn't really bring it up much and I just buried my thoughts about it. I didn't know how much his death would really effect me the rest of my life.
In high school I started having thoughts that I was not ever going to be good enough for anyone and that the world would be better off without me. I didn't really give in to those thoughts, but they came freely. I didn't know about depression or anything like that so I just thought that everyone thought these things and I was just having a bad day. When I got to college after having a few traumatic events happen, I started feeling that way so often that I couldn't sleep. I was getting maybe 2 hours of sleep each night and my grades were starting to reflect that. I finally went to the doctor who told me that it was all in my head and that I was just a college student that needed to spend less time partying and more time studying. I finally got the courage to ask my mom and dad to talk to a therapist. They allowed me to go and I went maybe twice, but the person I went to didn't really know all the things I had been through and I wasn't really ready to talk about them. I suppressed everything and went on with my life.
I got married and got pregnant with my first child and was so excited. Then a few years later a second, and then we moved away from home and then I got pregnant with our third. Such amazing blessings in my life. In 2008 I was getting ready to have our third child's first birthday party. (I still don't understand why this is such a big thing, probably more of a celebration that we as parents kept them alive unlike the plants we have killed off weeks after obtaining them). Something triggered me and all of a sudden all of these things I had been suppressing started to come into my mind. I was so scared of what was going on in my head that I just sat at the bottom of my stairs and cried for hours because it just wouldn't stop. My head was spinning. My family didn't know what to do. I just wanted to be done with all the noise. I went for a walk. My intention was to end it all. I stood in the dark waiting for a big truck to come and one was finally coming. I was so happy that it was all going to be over, and then like that I was standing on the sidewalk. To this day I don't know if I was standing in the road or if I imagined standing in the road waiting for my life to be over. I walked home in tears and called a friend (who was also my bishop) and he helped me to get the help I need to start healing.
I went to my doctor and started depression medication as I was not doing well at all. Once he and I found the right medication, life seemed to feel like it was worth living again. I began counseling and started the healing process. I stopped therapy a year later. I thought I was well. I was okay, but not well. I still had a lot of healing to do but again, I pushed it to the back of my mind and went on with my life. The next year was a very traumatic year, but we got through it and we continued on with our lives. In 2014 my grandfather passed away and I could feel myself going backwards and I knew I didn't want to do that so I found a new therapist where we were living. In 2017 things came crashing down. I had not been working hard on healing and I was still suppressing many things from my past. I finally reached a point in my life where keeping secrets was no longer serving me. I talked with my husband and told him all of the things, (that was hard for him and me and our conversations for the next 8 months were very simple). I wondered for months what my husband thought of what I told him. I tried talking with him, but he was just not ready. I started down a dark path until one night I found myself sitting on a cliff. I was there for 10 hours. I was trying to figure out whether it was worth the fight, or if I could just be done. I wrote letters and tried to explain why I was going to do what I was thinking. Two things got me off the mountain cliff that day. 1. I remembered how hard it was to be on the being left behind side of suicide, I had many friends and a beautiful cousin who had given in to it, and it was hard. 2. Someone called me that night and she had no idea where my mind was, but she knew where I was. She talked with me about stuff she was dealing with and even though it wasn't about what I was dealing with, she was talking to me. In my mind I thought, maybe, just maybe, she cares enough about me to help me if I ask her. I didn't. I let her talk and it felt okay to be the one listening. She did ask me how I was feeling and where I was and I told her I was having a hard time, but I didn't tell her what I was thinking at the time. After we hung up, I decided that I needed more help than I was getting and decided to leave. I got in my car and thought of a million ways to stop living and make it look like an accident by the time I got to the bottom of the mountain. I immediately called my therapist. He got me in as soon as he could and we created a safety plan to help me avoid that situation ever again.
Since that time I have really dived into the healing process, talking and working through the past. I have been able to let go of a lot of things and learned how to deal with triggers and working through things as they come up instead of burying them until they get to be unbearable. I am so thankful to all those who were there and knew. I do apologize to those who had no idea, but it was a very scary time and I didn't really think there were a lot of people who would really care (mental state, not reality).
I am in the best place emotionally and mentally now than I can ever remember being.
Now, listen, this is the most important thing that I will say in this whole blog. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE! I'm not kidding. My life is good. I have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful children, Loving parents, In-laws, family, friends, and so many good people who surround me and have since I was born. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone!
ANYONE!
How can you help? Be aware of signs (though not all people have them) and just talk to people. I know that talking to someone on the "ledge" can be exhausting sometimes, I have had experience with that. When someone is in a deep dark spot, talking to them can be something that will save them. I have some other resources to help you if you ever have any questions. I have many other brochures talking about ways to help others, ways to learn how to deal with suicide if you know people who have done so, and I am always willing to listen, talk, or even just sit with you, if you are ever feeling like you have no other options.
I understand. I am here. Reach out if you can.
Thank you for reading. This post was very hard to write. I am in a really good place to take action and help others. Please don't be afraid to ask me for more information. I am always willing to talk.
Love you all,
Cynthia
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