HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!

 Dear Me,

Today is your birthday! Happy birthday!!! You are 42 this year and it’s crazy how time has flown. 

You have been through a lot in these short 42 years of life. You’ve experienced pain, loss, sorrow, suffering, and near death experiences. You have struggled with mental health and medical problems. Weight gain and all the feelings that come with it.  You have been through a lot of trauma. You’ve struggled to love yourself and to feel like you can take up space in this world. You’ve fought for life and you’ve fought for friendships. You’ve made some awful mistakes along the way that have caused some friends to leave and even dissonance in your own family situations at times. You continually wonder whether anyone loves you or wants you to be around. You let your insecurities win a lot even when you try not to. 

And yet, you have also experienced some of the most amazing things! Winning the state science fair. Graduating high school. Going to college. Getting a bachelors degree.  Getting married to someone who loves You unconditionally in spite of all your challenges. Having three of the most incredible children and being a mom to some amazingly caring and wonderful human beings. (They are all your favorite). You continue to do your best to love everyone as unconditionally as possible. You bought a house with a yard. You got a dog and a cat and a hedgehog and birds and so many pets that have brought you joy.  You found an amazing choir that has given you joy and helped you through some really hard things. You have made friends who stood by your side even when things were dark and scary and you weren’t such a good friend.  You have been fighting a battle against depression even when it’s been super difficult at times. And You have been winning! You have been Finding joy when you thought there was none left. Surviving when the odds were against you. Living when all you wanted to do was quit. Mending relationships with family and even some friends. Forgiving and being forgiven by those you have hurt and those who have hurt you. You have recovered from addiction. You have found joy and light in the darkness. You have been a survivor at times and a warrior at others. 

You are going to learn many more amazing things in your life that will change you. You will learn and grow and continue getting better over time. One day you will look back and see all the things you’ve made it through. You will see the fight you’ve fought and won. You will find joy in everything you’ve been through. Tomorrow will come.

However, for today:

It’s time to celebrate your existence! Celebrate being alive for another year! Celebrate who you’ve been, who you are now, and who you will someday be! Be present in this day, enjoy the cake and the ice cream, allow yourself to take up space, and let others celebrate you. 

Happy 42nd Birthday, Me. 

You are officially the answer to the universe. Don’t Panic! Celebrate!

Love, Me

Stained Glass

 Well, it seems it has been a while since I have done a stained glass project for anyone. It took me forever to find all the stuff I needed to do it.  Ha ha. 

This week I had the opportunity to make a special parting gift for a member of our staff at work who will be retiring this week. I had learned that one of her most favortie animals was the Octopus and that she loved stained glass and so I thought what a wonderful gift I could provide for her. 

It was a project that caused me a lot of grief and stress, but overall it ended up being amazing. I hope she loves it. It got a lot of praise from people at work this morning. (She didn't see it, don't worry, I kept it hidden from her) Can't wait to hear if she likes it or not. 

Here are some pictures of the finished project. ENJOY!

Look who's back, Back again...

 Hello Friends, 

It has been quite some time since I last posted on this blog. I have been through quite the journey and I would like to share it with you and also post some fun and exciting things that have happened in my life. This is a journey that has been really rough at times and has put my family and even some of my friends through the ringer. It is a journey full of hurt and pain and sorrow. It is also a journey of recovery, joy, and celebration. So if you want to read, please do, if you don't, this blog is really for me anyway and I want to be able to share a bit of my story. 

I am not a writer. I will never claim to be, though I have read some incredibly amazing books and I am so glad I can be a witness to those who can truly write so well. I am lucky to be a recipient of some great reading!  I hope that you will still read even if it is not the best writing. 

Disclaimer- I will talk about my life in all aspects. I know that not everyone believes in the things I do and I am okay with that, but I just need you to know that I am not here to convert anyone to any religion or political party or lifestyle or anything like that, I am simply sharing my story. I know that there will be many who disagree with my choices and my beliefs both religiously and politically, I am okay with that. I don't need everyone to be just like me. 

Also, There is a good chance that I will be wrong about something I say at some point and in the future I will have learned to be better and that past me will no longer exist. I have tried to show mercy and grace to those in my life that have caused me pain in the past and I hope that if anything I ever say or do has done that, that you will hopefully be able to show me the same mercy and grace, and if not, that is okay. I will always try to be better tomorrow than I was today and I will fail many times, but I hope to learn along the way. Thank you. 

Hoarding

 

There was a time when I would have considered myself a hoarder of stuff. I kept everything, from clothing to toys to kitchen and office stuff, and more. There was a time when I was ashamed to allow people into my home and if the landlord wanted an inspection, I could only hope they gave me a heads up because I needed several days to accomplish it being even somewhat presentable enough to pass. 

I wasn’t always that bad. Though my house growing up wasn’t the worst, I did keep a lot of stuff that I didn’t need. Matter of fact I still have stuff in storage from my childhood that I have held on to. I need to let it go. 

I realized it was a big problem when a friend and I decided to help each other out by spending a day each week in each other’s homes cleaning. So I went over to her house and helped her one day and then she came to mine. I could see in her face that she had gotten into a much bigger commitment than she had planned on. I felt it too. And I felt so bad for it. After she left, I still had a lot to do. I soon got to a point that if I spent an hour each night cleaning, I could keep it mostly clean. 

We then moved to where we are now. When we packed all our stuff we found we would need a 27 ft truck to move our small 3 bed town home to a 3 bed condo that was only slightly bigger. Soon after moving in, I found that I reverted back to the way things were before I got a handle on it in the last place we lived. 

I got super depressed. I figured that going that direction was not healthy so I sought out a therapist ( not for this specifically, but for the underlying issues of trauma and other things). I started uncovering a ton of issues that I needed to work on and found myself in a very dark place and I had a hard time even wanting to wake up. My house got pretty bad. I remember going to work and a friend watching my kids and while I was gone she came over and cleaned my kitchen. She wasn’t afraid to do that. I was so embarrassed and also very thankful because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. 

Then one Christmas Eve as we had a party at our house with friends, she and I and another friend helped the kids get rid of stuffed animals they had that were taking up a ton of space. The kids thought we had gone crazy. It was true!! 

This was the first time we sat and talked about why each animal they kept was so important. I think that helped them to get rid of ones that were less important. 

This experience led me to start decluttering. The next few months we got rid of a TON of stuff. And it was hard. I know for sure there were 40 (yes, 40!) garbage bags of clothes that were too small for the kids or that my husband and I didn’t wear. And probably that many in garbage/toys/other stuff. My house was so clean!!! But I still felt like we had so much stuff. It was a wonderful start for sure. 

Two years ago we got new floors in the main area of our condo and we dejunked then too. But the last few years  we have added a few things in our living area that have really taken a lot of space. 

This last few weeks, we As a family, started watching hoarders. We literally watch a few episodes a night. As we have watched, I have listened to how the therapists and organizers and cleaning specialists have helped work through the reasons why these people have held on to things. It has been interesting too because  it originally started out as just my husband and I watching, and slowly the kids started watching with us. We have had some good discussions about things in regards to hoarding and none of us ever want to end up in that situation. 

This weekend, we started going through things again and we got rid of 7 bags of junk/garbage, plus 8 laundry baskets of junk/garbage from our kitchen/living area and both bathrooms. We also got rid of a TON of dishes and appliances we no longer use and haven’t used in years. The kids all helped and we deep cleaned and redecorated the bathrooms with new stuff  (shower curtains, bath mats, accessories, and wall decor) and we are hopefully finishing up the kitchen tomorrow. Then we wi go through some more things in the living area next weekend.  I have even noticed the kids making sure their rooms are clean and getting rid of things they don’t need here and there. 

I recently started following @iammattpaxton and have been very impressed with his story. He has been an amazing help to me. He stopped working on the hoarders show to start a show called Legacy List. On his page last week he talked about what his legacy list is. He had 5. He has been explaining each of them and I have truly enjoyed his stories. They are incredible. I decided I would also make a list. 

Though this may not be my final list, it is for now. 

1. Painting that my grandma got the year she graduated high school. 
2. The rainbow painting in my room
3. The memory box with items given to me when we lost our baby
4. The box my grandmother made in his go school that contains a doll that was made for me by her brother who passed away shortly after. 
5. My journals. 

The painting my grandmother got when she graduated is super special. A little back story to what it means. She was 16 when she got married and pregnant. She had to drop from school to be a wife and mother. She raised her kids through some very hard times and the. Decided later that she would get her diploma. She graduated when my mom was around 16/17. It reminds me of the dedication she had to do something hard and also that it is never too late in life to accomplish something. It was also the one constant thing on my grandparents wall that never moved in 35 years until it came to my house this last year. 

The rainbow painting in my room is new. It represents a freedom from hiding who I was in the past and a calm and peaceful acceptance that I don’t have to change who I am to be happy. It represents a break in the journey, a vacation to rest and rejuvenate and enjoy nature knowing that there is more to do. I love rainbows and this is a picture full of colors from the rainbow. When I look at it, I see the beauty of a hard road and it makes me happy. 

When We lost our baby, things were hard. I was devastated. Then during surgery to remove the baby that wouldn’t pass on its own, I almost lost my life. This box is something that holds the memories of a time when I fought hard to live. A memory of how I overcame this loss of life and almost my life. How I came to find a will to stay alive even during the hard times. And even though I’ve lost that will a time or two since then, it reminds me that I can get back up and try again and that loss is hard, but staying alive to experience it is super important. 

I didn’t know my grandmother. I was given this box by her sister one day. It was made by my grandmother and is the only thing I have from her. It contains a doll my uncle made for me before he passed away and a picture of her Inside. 

Lastly, my journals. I don’t really know how to explain why they are so important. They contain so many memories of the good, the bad, and ugly in my life. They are words and pictures and memories that can’t be shown through things. They hold my past. The awful traumatic things I went through and they hold my present where I have successfully grown and learned from the past. The times I have let go and helped from the hard things. The joy and love I feel as I continue to let go of the pain and hold on to the light and love and peace I have been given through this work that I have done!! I am not done living my life, so that will continue to grow, but I am so thankful for having written down both the good and bad so that I can look back and remember where I was. 

Hoarding is not easy to live with. Trust me. I don’t know many people who have dealt with it personally, though I do know a few. If you struggle with this or even struggle with organizing, I’m starting to get really good at it, and I’m totally willing to help talk you through what is holding you back, or even to come help you. I know how scary it is to open up to someone about these issues. It’s hard and it might even feel like someone is judging. I will never be that person. I will never judge you for these things because I have been there. I have experienced it. I know there is healing and joy, and I know it takes time. And trust me on this, it’s a lot easier with help. 

I promise that releasing stuff will lighten your load. What you are carrying, is heavy. 

Thanks for reading my really long TED talk about Hoarding. If you got this far, you are a rockstar!!! 

Check out @iammattpaxton on Instagram. He has great insights. 

What I learned from reading the bible in 120 days

In the last year an a half I have been on a faith adventure. I reached a point in my life where I thought leaning on others testimonies was no longer going to work for me and so I began the journey to find my own. It has definitely been quite the adventure and it is not yet over. 

In September of 2018 I decided to read the bible from the beginning to the end. Such a feat that I thought for sure that I would not succeed in doing for a long time. At first it took a while to get through Genesis. I honestly don't remember how much I read the first few weeks. I am sure I picked it up from time to time and just read a verse or two and then set it back down. I wasn't going to rush through the book by all means. I didn't have any intention of really finishing it and thought it may be years down the road before I ever finished. Soon I found myself reading all the time. I don't remember which part of the bible made me want to keep reading, but the excitement grew at some point. There were nights that I couldn't put the bible down. It was so full of amazing things and I didn't know a lot of them. I got to a point in the bible in December that I knew I could finish it by New Years Day. I got excited to finish it, but then one day I got caught up in a story and I had to really study it. I got a little behind because of it and knew I would be cutting it close to that day. I ended up finishing on January 1st 2019! I had reached my goal (thus be it a few hours later than I had hoped) but I did it! And wow did I learn a lot! 

I won't go over everything I learned, but some things that I would like to discuss. 

Do you know what we have in our possession? The light that comes from this book is amazing!

Number 1. GOD IS LOVE

This should be a given if you are already religious and believe at all that god is real. 

I imagine God creating Adam and Eve and thinking, this is gonna be great! I will create these people and they will have an amazing life and I will give them everything they need to live and to love and to be happy. Just one thing, can't eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Eve was deceived and partook of the fruit which ended up sending them into the lone and dreary world where we would now have to till the ground and deal with trials and weeds and all things that are sometimes really hard to deal with in this life. 

Is God sending us away from his presence Love? Absolutely. We would have to endure through many trials in this life. The world, though beautiful to the human eye, is now full of briars and weeds. God removed direct contact through him and man and required man to come to him through prayer. Women would now have to endure through hard labor and child birth. It was a trial, though hard, that brought about beauty. Cain and Abel were born, Cain rebelled and killed his brother, was cast out and he rebelled against god and brought people with him. He corrupted many and the world began to be full of evil.

2. EVEN GOD WANTED TO QUIT

Some time passed and God was angry and he began to regret making the earth and the humans and the life. He was ready to give up and destroy the world, the humans, his creation,  right then and there. Even God our creator was ready to quit because of the evil that had come from the heart of man and was spreading all over his creation. He believed that evil was so prevalent that there was no hope and he was so done.  However, Noah plead with God to preserve him and his family. God found favor with Noah and allowed this to happen. You know this story.  The point is, God wanted to Quit. He wanted to erase any evidence that this world had been created and he was ashamed of the evil that had come, but he found love in the heart of Noah and he decided to give the world a second chance. (thank goodness!)

3. PROPHETS ARE NOT INFALLIBLE AND THEY ARE HUMAN

Where do I even start with this? Man is not infallible. Prophets are also not infallible. They make mistakes and some have even led the people away from God. Many prophets had moments where they made some terrible decisions. One of my favorite stories in the bible is about David. He did so many amazing things in his life, but there was one time he slept with Uriah's wife and got her pregnant, but instead of dealing with it, he decided to put Uriah on the front line and have him be in the line of fire at war so he would die. He did. Then after the mourning process was over, he took Uriah's wife to be his own. Jonah, ran from God when God asked him to go to Ninevah. Instead he went to Tarshish, Swallowed by a big fish and lived in it's belly for 3 days before he was finally like, Yeah, okay, I will go to Ninevah. There are so many stories of good men of God who made some pretty serious mistakes, God never stopped loving them. He encouraged them to repent and return to him. He welcomed them back with open arms and allowed their sins to be forgiven.  There were also prophets who did everything to please God. Job lost everything, literally EVERYTHING and no matter how much he lost, he still gave all glory to God. Jeremiah wept for his people constantly. He begged and pleaded with them to come to God and he wept a lot because they chose not to. He never stopped following God even when his people did. Love all the stories in the bible. So many amazing and wonderful ones to read about. 

  

4. APOSTLES ARE NOT INFALLIBLE EVEN IN HIS PRESENCE

Christ came as promised and as he grew older and the 12 apostles came along, it is clear that even they in his presence were doubters. They doubted many times in his presence. They feared, they doubted, they fought against him. Peter walked on water and fell in to the water because he doubted. The 12 doubted when the storm was raging. They fell asleep several times when Christ asked them to stay awake and be there. Peter cut off the ear of the guard and was rebuked when he did so. Peter also denied Christ. They were not perfect. They made mistakes. 

5. CHRIST IS THE RISEN LORD

Christ is the most amazing Gift we have been given. He was born and he taught many great things. He performed many great miracles on the earth. We see so many examples in the bible, The rulers daughter, Lazarus, Elisha, and several others were raised from the dead. He healed the sick, he made the blind see, the deaf to hear, and the lame to walk. The woman in the crowd with an issue of blood for 12 years had enough faith to be healed just by touching his cloak was completely healed when she did so. How extremely wonderful that Christ was able to walk among the people and show them love in person. What an amazing act of love. After walking with the people and performing miracles, he knew he would have to perform the ultimate sacrifice. He bled in the garden, he went through the torture from the guards, and he was nailed to a cross and hung to die for us. 3 days later he rose again from the tomb. He appeared to many and testified of the goodness of God and then he ascended to heaven.

6.THIS IS MY TESTIMONY (at this time)

He came to save us from our destruction. He is the Lord. He is the Savior. He is the King. He is the almighty God, The Father. He prayed for us in the garden and bled from every pore, he died for us, and He is Risen! He has ended our misery for eternity and given us a promise of Amazing things! He knows who we are. He hears our prayers. I know that he is. This is the most important thing I can testify of. 

7.GOD IS LOVE

Yes, that is the first one. And the last. Just as our Savior is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. (Revelation 22:13)

 There are so many things that I have learned from reading the bible every day. There are so many loving and wonderful stories in the bible and I only scratched the surface of what is inside. I truly have enjoyed having a closeness to Christ I have never experienced in all my life. This experience has changed my life completely. I highly encourage you all to read it. To find time to spend in the scriptures with God daily. There are many amazing things to learn from the bible. I have since started studying the bible more closely and am really finding some amazing things in it. Join me. I promise as you read and study every day, that Christ will be in your heart and you will be so happy. If you have other scripture you believe in, then by all means please read them, but do it intentionally and with the goal of coming close to Christ on a level that you have no idea is possible. I have a lot to learn still and I would love to see you all join me in this journey to Christ. 

May you all feel the Love of God and 

I hope you all have a great day.

Happy New Year!

My friends! It has been quite a while since the last time I wrote. I hope that all of you had a beautiful Christmas and are enjoying the NEW year! What a wonderful opportunity we have to start anew every year. I greatly apologize for the fact that I am the worst at updating my blog.

Here are a few Highlights of 2018

January- I have a 16 year old now! I am no longer going to school.  I am working at Doterra to help make ends meet. Medical issues, life, depression at all time High

February- Attended a retreat for women who have dealt with sexual abuse (there is a blog post about it if you would like to read more).  Happy Valentines!

March- Attended my first Northstar Conference (see northstarlds.org for more info)

Finally a place to feel like I don't have to hide who I really am. I have loved myself more with this information being out than I ever did when I was keeping it a secret. Hey Guess what!? I am not straight. I am Gay (Lesbian, Same sex attraction, whatever you want to call it because literally nothing will change with who I am.) and I am happy with myself for being Open  and honest about it. It is a big part of who I am and I am proud of that part of me. I don't intend to change anything about my relationship with my husband and we will continue to be married. Matter of fact, it was also our 17th Wedding anniversary! (17 years already?!)

April- I also have a 14 year old! Wow time flies! Missing Grandpa on his birthday. Happy Easter!

May- Happy Birthday to me! (and dad and several cousins).  First birthday feeling hope for the future in a long time

June- Summertime! Lots of swimming. Marching band in full swing! Parade time!

July- Went on a trip to the Lehman caves with the family. Such a beautiful and wonderful adventure!  No Marching band in July! Woo hoo!

August- Marching band has once again commenced. Quit my job at Doterra to be home with the kids. Did I mention we paid off over $7000 in debt!?

September- Holy cow I have an 11 year old! She is the youngest. 

October- Halloween has come, which means it is HOLIDAY SEASON! Bring it on! 

November- Such a wonderful Thanksgiving at my Grandmas house.  Also I started selling my stained glass projects. Ornament orders were coming in left and right. Such a great start!

December- I have a 40 year old! (it's my husband, but he's still mine). Christmas is my favorite. I love everything about it! Many amazing things happened in December. A great way to end the year!!!

Many other amazing things happened throughout the year. I am in a pretty awesome choir called Lux Singers (www.luxsingers.com or follow us on Facebook!) and I am in the Women's chorus. I have also been able to do many amazing things with my family. I have been on quite the faith journey this year as I have navigated through the scriptures and become closer to Christ through prayer. I don't know where I stand as far as a specific religion goes, but I am happy with where I am in my relationship to Christ.  I look forward to what the year 2019 will bring. So excited to begin the 2019 journey! 

For 2019 I have decided that my word of they year will be Change. I am ready for good changes to happen in my life. It means getting serious about my health, both mental and physical, and about accepting the things I cannot change and being willing to love them the way they are. I am so excited for what the new year will bring for me and I hope it brings you all good things as well. 

Happy 2019!

Suicide Awareness

My dear amazing friends and family. This is a very sensitive subject and I would like to give you some information here that may help you or someone you know. First of all I would like to tell you my story. I will add pictures of an amazing brochure that I recently received as I go. 

 I thought about what to share with you for a long time. I have written and re-written this post many times and I have not felt like it was good enough or vulnerable enough and so I am going to get downright real with you all today. It is important for me to talk about.

 In 6th grade I had a friend that sat by me in my computer class. We talked the whole time we were in class, at least when the teacher let us talk. We had some great conversations. I didn't hang out with him anywhere else in school, but I said hi to him in the hallways and he always said hi back and that was the extent of our friendship. One day I showed up to school and we had our first class which was computers. He didn't show up. I wondered if he was sick and I was sad that I would have to sit alone in class that day. Soon the announcements for the day started. They announced that a suicide had happened and who it was and that there were counselors brought to the school for anyone who might need to talk. My heart sank as I realized who they were talking about and I didn't know what I wanted. I went down to the counselors and sat in a hallway waiting for a chance to talk to one, but I really didn't know what I would say so I went to the office and called my mom and told her what happened and told her I didn't want to stay at school. She came and got me and took me to work with her. I sat down at the end of the hallway of her work staring out the green and pink windows while she finished. I was confused as to why he would want to stop living. I didn't really know that was an option.  I don't remember really talking with my parents about the situation other than telling them I would like to go to the funeral (it doesn't mean they didn't talk to me, I just don't remember).  I was able to attend the funeral and it was beautiful and sad. After that I didn't really bring it up much and I just buried my thoughts about it. I didn't know how much his death would really effect me the rest of my life.

 In high school I started having thoughts that I was not ever going to be good enough for anyone and that the world would be better off without me. I didn't really give in to those thoughts, but they came freely. I didn't know about depression or anything like that so I just thought that everyone thought these things and I was just having a bad day. When I got to college after having a few traumatic events happen, I started feeling that way so often that I couldn't sleep. I was getting maybe 2 hours  of sleep each night and my grades were starting to reflect that. I finally went to the doctor who told me that it was all in my head and that I was just a college student that needed to spend less time partying and more time studying. I finally got the courage to ask my mom and dad to talk to a therapist. They allowed me to go and I went maybe twice, but the person I went to didn't really know all the things I had been through and I wasn't really ready to talk about them. I suppressed everything and went on with my life.

 I got married and got pregnant with my first child and was so excited. Then a few years later a second, and then we moved away from home and then I got pregnant with our third. Such amazing blessings in my life. In 2008 I was getting ready to have our third child's first birthday party. (I still don't understand why this is such a big thing, probably more of a celebration that we as parents kept them alive unlike the plants we have killed off weeks after obtaining them). Something triggered me and all of a sudden all of these things I had been suppressing started to come into my mind. I was so scared of what was going on in my head that I just sat at the bottom of my stairs and cried for hours because it just wouldn't stop. My head was spinning. My family didn't know what to do. I just wanted to be done with all the noise. I went for a walk. My intention was to end it all. I stood in the dark waiting for a big truck to come and one was finally coming. I was so happy that it was all going to be over, and then like that I was standing on the sidewalk. To this day I don't know if I was standing in the road or if I imagined standing in the road waiting for my life to be over. I walked home in tears and called a friend (who was also my bishop) and he helped me to get the help I need to start healing.

 I went to my doctor and started depression medication as I was not doing well at all. Once he and I found the right medication, life seemed to feel like it was worth living again. I began counseling and started the healing process. I stopped therapy a year later. I thought I was well. I was okay, but not well. I still had a lot of healing to do but again, I pushed it to the back of my mind and went on with my life. The next year was a very traumatic year, but we got through it and we continued on with our lives. In 2014 my grandfather passed away and I could feel myself going backwards and I knew I didn't want to do that so I found a new therapist where we were living. In 2017 things came crashing down. I had not been working hard on healing and I was still suppressing many things from my past. I finally reached a point in my life where keeping secrets was no longer serving me. I talked with my husband and told him all of the things, (that was hard for him and me and our conversations for the next 8 months were very simple). I wondered for months what my husband thought of what I told him. I tried talking with him, but he was just not ready. I started down a dark path until one night I found myself sitting on a cliff. I was there for 10 hours. I was trying to figure out whether it was worth the fight, or if I could just be done. I wrote letters and tried to explain why I was going to do what I was thinking. Two things got me off the mountain cliff that day. 1. I remembered how hard it was to be on the being left behind side of suicide, I had many friends and a beautiful cousin who had given in to it, and it was hard. 2. Someone called me that night and she had no idea where my mind was, but she knew where I was. She talked with me about stuff she was dealing with and even though it wasn't about what I was dealing with, she was talking to me. In my mind I thought, maybe, just maybe, she cares enough about me to help me if I ask her. I didn't. I let her talk and it felt okay to be the one listening. She did ask me how I was feeling and where I was and I told her I was having a hard time, but I didn't tell her what I was thinking at the time. After we hung up, I decided that I needed more help than I was getting and decided to leave. I got in my car and thought of a million ways to stop living and make it look like an accident by the time I got to the bottom of the mountain. I immediately called my therapist. He got me in as soon as he could and we created a safety plan to help me avoid that situation ever again.

Since that time I have really dived into the healing process, talking and working through the past. I have been able to let go of a lot of things and learned how to deal with triggers and working through things as they come up instead of burying them until they get to be unbearable. I am so thankful to all those who were there and knew. I do apologize to those who had no idea, but it was a very scary time and I didn't really think there were a lot of people who would really care (mental state, not reality).

I am in the best place emotionally and mentally now than I can ever remember being.

Now, listen, this is the most important thing that I will say in this whole blog. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE! I'm not kidding. My life is good. I have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful children, Loving parents, In-laws, family, friends, and so many good people who surround me and have since I was born. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone!

ANYONE!

How can you help? Be aware of signs (though not all people have them) and just talk to people. I know that talking to someone on the "ledge" can be exhausting sometimes, I have had experience with that. When someone is in a deep dark spot, talking to them can be something that will save them. I have some other resources to help you if you ever have any questions. I have many other brochures talking about ways to help others, ways to learn how to deal with suicide if you know people who have done so, and I am always willing to listen, talk, or even just sit with you, if you are ever feeling like you have no other options.

I understand. I am here. Reach out if you can.

Thank you for reading. This post was very hard to write. I am in a really good place to take action and help others. Please don't be afraid to ask me for more information. I am always willing to talk.

Love you all,
Cynthia

The Middle Way

 First of all, I am really back this time.  I know I said I was going to publish more blogs in May, but it turns out life was still all sorts of crazy and I never got to it. Well, I am now one job shorter and have a little more time on my hands to be able to do things like clean my house, eat breakfast and lunch, and of course blog! Secondly, this is kind of going to be a little bit of repeat from my instagram/facebook post from yesterday, so I apologize in advance for those of you who have already read it. 

I have prayed many days and nights for years to get help with the extremes in my life. I did not think I would ever get an answer to those many prayers. It was becoming a fact of life that I would need to live in those extremes for the rest of my life and it was exhausting! 

Last night as I was at rehearsal for the choir I am in (Lux Singer's women's Chorus) and I was listening to the director teach us some amazing things. The last thing we did during rehearsal was practice being in tune. He had us all singing and listening. He then told us to put our hand on our chest and close our eyes. He helped us to feel the vibrations and to listen to others around the room. Then after we had done the exercise, he talked about being in tune. If we are not in tune there is dissonance in our sound and in our lives.  This had already gotten me thinking. It is important to be in tune with our minds, hearts, and souls. It is important to be in tune with the things going on around you and in your life. If we are not in tune with what is going on in our lives, it creates dissonance. Maybe we are not in tune in our marriage, or our parenting, or our spiritual lives, all of these create dissonance and can cause permanent damage if we don't get back in tune. 

The director then began talking about The Middle Way. The Middle way comes from Buddhism, it is a path between two extremes. One that gives us peace as we walk through the chaos of life.  As Aristotle believed, "Every virtue is a mean between two extremes, each of which is a vice." I learned so much from this discussion last night. I already knew I lived in extremes. I either got all the things done and did everything in the world, or I did nothing at all because if I started I would have to finish and it was just too much to deal with. 

 Gandhi once said, "Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man whom you may have seen, and ask yourself if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him." This is what the middle road is. Continually checking in with our hearts, minds, souls, to determine whether or not what we are doing is changing ourselves and others for the better, or causing harm and pain to others. The middle way is an amazing way to face life challenges. It is a way to figure out the root to our problems and to find a solution to them. 

Our Director finished by saying, when we stop asking ourselves "is it me?" then we will find ourselves getting out of tune. 

What am I learning and how can I change to make things better? How am I going to apply this to my life? Will I be able to stop living in extremes? Is it me?

As I contemplate the answers to the questions and the answers I have been given, I just want to say how extremely grateful I am for a choir director and friend who is in tune. I love being a part of an amazing choir and the things I am learning through being a part of it. The choir and the people who are in the choir have saved me. I am so thankful for the loving people I get to be around when I am there. 

Tune in for my next adventure. I will be posting more soon! 

Healing Journey

Hello my amazing friends and family! It seems it has almost been a year since I have written on the blog. I have not been myself for a long time, but healing takes time. I have been coming out of my slump and orneriness and I am starting to feel more and more like myself. I know many of you have had to be around me as I have been going through this healing process and I just want to apologize if I ever hurt you or made you feel like I don't care. I never intended to hurt anyone and I know many of you had to deal with me at my very worst.

 

Depression is very real. Getting out of bed was often a struggle. I have never been so happy to have a job, but there were times that calling in was necessary because I literally couldn't pull myself out of bed. I am sure many of you have wondered why I keep myself so busy, this is the only way I used to know to keep myself from getting so depressed that I couldn't function. If I had something to do and someone else to focus on, I was able to keep going for them. Until...I couldn't. 

After Thanksgiving, I started to come out of that deep dark depression and I started working hard on myself. I decided if I can face all the pain and hurt that has happened in my life and start to heal from all of it, I may be able to avoid getting back to a point in my healing that I can overcome my deepest darkest secrets and I can stop wearing a mask because it would be real. 

I know many of you had no idea about any of my struggles because I did my best to keep them a secret from everyone and I avoided telling anyone for a long time. 

In February I was able to attend a retreat for women who had been sexually abused in their childhood. It was done by the Younique Foundation. This foundation sends women from all walks of life who have experienced childhood sexual abuse on a retreat for 4 days in the mountains in Utah. This retreat is fully paid for, all you have to do is get to Utah. They provide lodging, food, classes, group therapy, fun activities like Kintsuki and art journaling, and so much more. This retreat taught me far more about my healing journey than I could have ever asked for. During the retreat they do a makeover and photo shoot. The idea behind it is to help us each to see our inner and outer beauty. Here is one of my pictures for you that was taken that week. I was shocked to see how amazingly beautiful the pictures turned out. I have been sharing them on Facebook here and there but now you know why I had them taken.

This retreat helped me to want to talk to my family. I knew it would be hard to tell them because I had kept it a secret for a long time. I didn't know if they would believe me. I was terrified they would be angry with me. I was worried that I would hurt them by telling them now instead of coming to them after it had happened. I didn't want to do that. So I sat on it for a long time. I wrote many letters. After months of trying to figure out what to say, I finished my letter.   I finally sent the letter about the sexual abuse and many other things I had been dealing with to my family to let them know about all the things that happened in my life. As I began to tell people, I was met with love and support. 

After I sent the letter and received so much love and support, I suddenly felt lighter. In the last few weeks I have had numerous people ask me how much weight I have lost. I laughed every time someone asked because I have gained so much weight this last year! It is amazing how releasing a secret can change the way you carry yourself and people notice that. I was even recently approached by a friend who told me that I was starting to act more like myself and was glad to see that I was getting back to my normal self. 

I am still working through a lot of things. I know that as I continue to work hard through my past that I will keep getting back to my normal self. I have made a lot of changes in my life this year. It has been quite the adventure! If anyone has any questions, I have included links to the Younique Foundation website. If anyone has been through something like this, please know that I am available to talk if you need to. This was an amazing experience for me and I am so glad i had the opportunity to go. 

Healing is possible!

 As Chris Cleave has said, "A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means you survived!"

I just want to welcome ALL of the new people who have been invited to read and share in this blog with me. I intend on blogging much more and keeping up with this page. I hope you all made it this far. Thank you all of you who have been such a huge part of my healing journey. I love you all!

Music Makes Me Happy

This morning I asked my oldest daughter what makes her happy and this is what she said.
Marching band makes me happy. I asked her why and she said, she loves to make music. I have thought about this many times before, but to have my daughter tell me something that I have always believed made me want to post about it.

It is amazing what emotions music can give to you.

Sadness
Anger
Joy
Fear
Love
Happiness
Etc.

I recently read an article in Psychology today about a study done in Canada on how the brain works when listening to music. According to the article, just like when we eat and sleep, dopamine is released into our brains while listening to music. It is a beautiful thing we have. It is not known why music does this to us, but it does. 

I love music. I would dare say that it is one of the most important aspects in my life. It has saved me numerous times. I have a HUGE list of music that brings my soul happiness and joy. I have those that I listen to when I am having a rough time in my life. I love that music can reach my soul when I am so low that I can't find my way out of the darkness alone. I spend a majority of my week immersed in music things. I play the Saxophone with a quartet every week and I love to sing and am currently trying out for a couple of choirs. I could literally listen, sing, or play music all day. I just love it.

This video that I have added to this post was one that I found yesterday and it really hit me hard and I cried while listening to it.I have had several friends and family in situations such as portrayed in the video that it hit a special place in my heart and I was able to feel the emotions for those people as if they were right here in my presence. Music truly touches the hearts of all.

I hope you enjoy the video, I have also added it to the link list on the right side of the page. I hope you will listen to it and enjoy it whenever you need a good cry, or just want to enjoy a beautiful song. May this song and all music remind you that when life is hard, Don't let go. Keep trying. Have faith. Stay strong. You are all amazing people!

What are some of your favorite songs to listen to when you need a lift in your heart and spirit?

May music fill your souls with light and love every day!


Here is a link to some Psychology today articles on Music- There are a bunch of them! Enjoy!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-music-moves-us