The Middle Way

 First of all, I am really back this time.  I know I said I was going to publish more blogs in May, but it turns out life was still all sorts of crazy and I never got to it. Well, I am now one job shorter and have a little more time on my hands to be able to do things like clean my house, eat breakfast and lunch, and of course blog! Secondly, this is kind of going to be a little bit of repeat from my instagram/facebook post from yesterday, so I apologize in advance for those of you who have already read it. 

I have prayed many days and nights for years to get help with the extremes in my life. I did not think I would ever get an answer to those many prayers. It was becoming a fact of life that I would need to live in those extremes for the rest of my life and it was exhausting! 

Last night as I was at rehearsal for the choir I am in (Lux Singer's women's Chorus) and I was listening to the director teach us some amazing things. The last thing we did during rehearsal was practice being in tune. He had us all singing and listening. He then told us to put our hand on our chest and close our eyes. He helped us to feel the vibrations and to listen to others around the room. Then after we had done the exercise, he talked about being in tune. If we are not in tune there is dissonance in our sound and in our lives.  This had already gotten me thinking. It is important to be in tune with our minds, hearts, and souls. It is important to be in tune with the things going on around you and in your life. If we are not in tune with what is going on in our lives, it creates dissonance. Maybe we are not in tune in our marriage, or our parenting, or our spiritual lives, all of these create dissonance and can cause permanent damage if we don't get back in tune. 

The director then began talking about The Middle Way. The Middle way comes from Buddhism, it is a path between two extremes. One that gives us peace as we walk through the chaos of life.  As Aristotle believed, "Every virtue is a mean between two extremes, each of which is a vice." I learned so much from this discussion last night. I already knew I lived in extremes. I either got all the things done and did everything in the world, or I did nothing at all because if I started I would have to finish and it was just too much to deal with. 

 Gandhi once said, "Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man whom you may have seen, and ask yourself if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him." This is what the middle road is. Continually checking in with our hearts, minds, souls, to determine whether or not what we are doing is changing ourselves and others for the better, or causing harm and pain to others. The middle way is an amazing way to face life challenges. It is a way to figure out the root to our problems and to find a solution to them. 

Our Director finished by saying, when we stop asking ourselves "is it me?" then we will find ourselves getting out of tune. 

What am I learning and how can I change to make things better? How am I going to apply this to my life? Will I be able to stop living in extremes? Is it me?

As I contemplate the answers to the questions and the answers I have been given, I just want to say how extremely grateful I am for a choir director and friend who is in tune. I love being a part of an amazing choir and the things I am learning through being a part of it. The choir and the people who are in the choir have saved me. I am so thankful for the loving people I get to be around when I am there. 

Tune in for my next adventure. I will be posting more soon! 

Healing Journey

Hello my amazing friends and family! It seems it has almost been a year since I have written on the blog. I have not been myself for a long time, but healing takes time. I have been coming out of my slump and orneriness and I am starting to feel more and more like myself. I know many of you have had to be around me as I have been going through this healing process and I just want to apologize if I ever hurt you or made you feel like I don't care. I never intended to hurt anyone and I know many of you had to deal with me at my very worst.

 

Depression is very real. Getting out of bed was often a struggle. I have never been so happy to have a job, but there were times that calling in was necessary because I literally couldn't pull myself out of bed. I am sure many of you have wondered why I keep myself so busy, this is the only way I used to know to keep myself from getting so depressed that I couldn't function. If I had something to do and someone else to focus on, I was able to keep going for them. Until...I couldn't. 

After Thanksgiving, I started to come out of that deep dark depression and I started working hard on myself. I decided if I can face all the pain and hurt that has happened in my life and start to heal from all of it, I may be able to avoid getting back to a point in my healing that I can overcome my deepest darkest secrets and I can stop wearing a mask because it would be real. 

I know many of you had no idea about any of my struggles because I did my best to keep them a secret from everyone and I avoided telling anyone for a long time. 

In February I was able to attend a retreat for women who had been sexually abused in their childhood. It was done by the Younique Foundation. This foundation sends women from all walks of life who have experienced childhood sexual abuse on a retreat for 4 days in the mountains in Utah. This retreat is fully paid for, all you have to do is get to Utah. They provide lodging, food, classes, group therapy, fun activities like Kintsuki and art journaling, and so much more. This retreat taught me far more about my healing journey than I could have ever asked for. During the retreat they do a makeover and photo shoot. The idea behind it is to help us each to see our inner and outer beauty. Here is one of my pictures for you that was taken that week. I was shocked to see how amazingly beautiful the pictures turned out. I have been sharing them on Facebook here and there but now you know why I had them taken.

This retreat helped me to want to talk to my family. I knew it would be hard to tell them because I had kept it a secret for a long time. I didn't know if they would believe me. I was terrified they would be angry with me. I was worried that I would hurt them by telling them now instead of coming to them after it had happened. I didn't want to do that. So I sat on it for a long time. I wrote many letters. After months of trying to figure out what to say, I finished my letter.   I finally sent the letter about the sexual abuse and many other things I had been dealing with to my family to let them know about all the things that happened in my life. As I began to tell people, I was met with love and support. 

After I sent the letter and received so much love and support, I suddenly felt lighter. In the last few weeks I have had numerous people ask me how much weight I have lost. I laughed every time someone asked because I have gained so much weight this last year! It is amazing how releasing a secret can change the way you carry yourself and people notice that. I was even recently approached by a friend who told me that I was starting to act more like myself and was glad to see that I was getting back to my normal self. 

I am still working through a lot of things. I know that as I continue to work hard through my past that I will keep getting back to my normal self. I have made a lot of changes in my life this year. It has been quite the adventure! If anyone has any questions, I have included links to the Younique Foundation website. If anyone has been through something like this, please know that I am available to talk if you need to. This was an amazing experience for me and I am so glad i had the opportunity to go. 

Healing is possible!

 As Chris Cleave has said, "A scar does not form on the dying. A scar means you survived!"

I just want to welcome ALL of the new people who have been invited to read and share in this blog with me. I intend on blogging much more and keeping up with this page. I hope you all made it this far. Thank you all of you who have been such a huge part of my healing journey. I love you all!

Music Makes Me Happy

This morning I asked my oldest daughter what makes her happy and this is what she said.
Marching band makes me happy. I asked her why and she said, she loves to make music. I have thought about this many times before, but to have my daughter tell me something that I have always believed made me want to post about it.

It is amazing what emotions music can give to you.

Sadness
Anger
Joy
Fear
Love
Happiness
Etc.

I recently read an article in Psychology today about a study done in Canada on how the brain works when listening to music. According to the article, just like when we eat and sleep, dopamine is released into our brains while listening to music. It is a beautiful thing we have. It is not known why music does this to us, but it does. 

I love music. I would dare say that it is one of the most important aspects in my life. It has saved me numerous times. I have a HUGE list of music that brings my soul happiness and joy. I have those that I listen to when I am having a rough time in my life. I love that music can reach my soul when I am so low that I can't find my way out of the darkness alone. I spend a majority of my week immersed in music things. I play the Saxophone with a quartet every week and I love to sing and am currently trying out for a couple of choirs. I could literally listen, sing, or play music all day. I just love it.

This video that I have added to this post was one that I found yesterday and it really hit me hard and I cried while listening to it.I have had several friends and family in situations such as portrayed in the video that it hit a special place in my heart and I was able to feel the emotions for those people as if they were right here in my presence. Music truly touches the hearts of all.

I hope you enjoy the video, I have also added it to the link list on the right side of the page. I hope you will listen to it and enjoy it whenever you need a good cry, or just want to enjoy a beautiful song. May this song and all music remind you that when life is hard, Don't let go. Keep trying. Have faith. Stay strong. You are all amazing people!

What are some of your favorite songs to listen to when you need a lift in your heart and spirit?

May music fill your souls with light and love every day!


Here is a link to some Psychology today articles on Music- There are a bunch of them! Enjoy!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-music-moves-us

What more can I say?

First of all I want to apologize for not writing much this year. I plan on doing better. To be honest with you I haven't had the desire or energy to post on this blog. Depression hit me hard this year. It has been rough and I had very little desire to do much of anything.

Good news, I am doing better than I was. Life is still hard, but I am handling it a little better than I was. There are some crazy things we are dealing with as a family right now that have pretty much consumed my life. I am currently looking for a job to alleviate some of the stress we are feeling. That should help. 

I have a lot on my mind. I feel like I need to share it and so I am going to. This could make this a very long post. I apologize for that. I know that there are people out there who won't read it because it is long, but that is okay. I just need to say this. If you stick around, you may find something valuable in what I write. Here goes.

What more can I say? 

I often wonder what life will bring,

if it will be good in the summer, fall, winter, or spring?

What will we do if the trials do come?

Will we give up and go home,

Or try to stay strong?

How will we know what to say to our friends,

who struggle with trials that have no end?

Do we know what they suffer,

Do we know where they've been?

What can we do to help them and when?

Perhaps love is the answer

that all of us seek,

each minute, each hour, each day, and each week. 

For everyone fights hard battles each day.

We don't know how long,

and we don't know which way.

Love in the hard times, 

from the beginning to the end.

For we know not what they have to endure,

or where they have been. 

What more can I say, that hasn't been said?

Love is the answer and it always has been. 

-Written by yours truly. 

Why am I writing poetry? Seriously, this just came to my head. I hope it makes sense. It does in my head. I am about to tell you why it has come to me. 

I recently had a cousin, who was an amazing example to me, take her life. (ok it was two years ago) She was married, had a beautiful dog, and family and she seemed to have a really great life. To this day I have no idea why she ended her life.  It doesn't begin there, or stop there. In 6th grade my friend took his life. In 8th grade another friend took his life. As an adult I have had several friends who have taken their lives. Do I know all the reasons? Unfortunately I do not know all the answers. I do not know what kind of lives any of these people had to endure. I don't know if they were in abusive situations at home. I do not know if they struggled with same sex attraction, or if they felt unwanted in anyway. I have no clue. What I do know, is that no matter what they were dealing with, I loved them all very much and each one was hard in different ways. 

Love is important, but if you never tell someone you love them, you never show them how much they mean to you, they will never know. I loved my friend in 6th grade, however I never let him know. I loved my friend in 8th grade, but again I never let him know. I loved my cousin dearly and looked up to her, but again, I never really told her how much I loved her. I rarely even saw her.  I promised myself early in life that I would love people, and not only love them, but tell them what they mean to me and show them. I still failed my cousin.  In college I had a really good friend. He was funny, and quirky, and just a wonderful person who dedicated his life to serving others. After I got married and a few years down the road, I heard that he took his life. I later found out that he suffered from Same Sex Attraction. He was Gay and had struggled to find a balance between living a gospel centered life and being Gay. Did that knowledge make me love him less? Absolutely not. It made me love him even more and it broke my heart even more that I didn't try to stay in touch with him after college. Could I have supported him, or loved him more so that he would still be here? So many thoughts came to my mind.  (so many mixed emotions)

So many people in the world deal with so many different trials. We don't know what they are dealing with. I know people who have been married to their spouses for 16+ years and have children who have never told their family that they deal with Same sex attraction (and have since forever) because they are afraid to lose what they have. I know people who are choosing to live gospel centered lives because they believe the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and they want to keep the commandments even though they are gay (I know quite a few of these people and they are AMAZING!). I know people who have given up on the gospel but so badly wish that the church would change their policies so that they don't feel that conflict. I know people who struggle with depression on a daily basis and think about ways they can end their lives. I know people who just want someone to love them.  I know people who struggle so hard with everything in their lives. I know people who struggle financially, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Everyone struggles with something. Everyone. 

The important thing for us all is to try our very best to let people know they are loved! We need to show them love, we need to stop judging people, we need to be friends, we need to let petty things go, we need to forgive, we need to let go of hate (even if you don't agree with someone) and just love. We need to LOVE. 

Love is the answer. Love will win. We need to forgive and Let God take care of the rest. None of these trials are easy for anyone. I know for myself that I have a lot of questions and honestly may not know the answers to until I reach the other side of the veil. God will have the answers. 

Love, not just love, but UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Love without boundaries, without borders, without conditions. Simply Love no matter what. 

What more can I say?

A FRESH NEW START

A new year means a fresh new start to most people in the world. It is a chance to be better than we were the year before. A chance to change if things weren't going the way we would like. Every year we get a chance to start over. For many years I along with everyone else would set goals. The first of the year I would do really well with these goals and about a month or two in, I would give up. One year I decided that I was tired of giving up and I decided to change how I did my resolutions. Instead of making specific resolutions, I found words that I knew I needed to work on in my life. I spent the year working on that part of my life to figure out what that word/s meant to me and how I could be better at it. This has been so much easier for me to stick to than specific goals. Now I still make specific goals, but they come throughout the year and are often based upon this word. It has helped me to become a better person and to really focus on specific areas of my life each year. 

This year I have three words. INTENTION. PRAYER. SERVICE. These three words came to me as I thought about what I felt I needed to work on in myself. 

First is intention. The last couple of years I have really struggled to live my life intentionally. I have sort of just allowed whatever came into my life to happen. Now that isn't to say that some of it wasn't intentional, but much of it was not. My goal this year is to figure out what exactly it means to live life intentionally for me and to learn how to better execute intentional living. 

Second is Prayer. Without God, I am nothing. I have struggled for a while with prayer and I hope that I can change the way I think about prayer. I am going to wake up each morning and intentionally pray. (See what I did there?) Prayer really should be considered first, however, if I am not doing it intentionally, then it kind of defeats the purpose. I know that with God I can do anything. I know that as I build that relationship with him that I will be able to receive revelation for myself. I have been in a place prayerfully before that I haven't been in a long time and I want to get there and continue forward. This is my hope that I may do so this year and continue forward for the rest of my life. One step at a time.

And last, but not least, this year I have every desire to Serve. Service is not something I have a hard time doing. I truly enjoy serving others. I simply want to continue doing what I love. I love Service. It has brought many blessings to my life and home. Many times it has brought joy in a time of sadness. It has brought blessings to our family. It continues to do so. How can I do better? I think we can always do better every year. I will figure it out and find a way to do better this year than I did last year.


Whether you are a person who sets goals or one who uses words to improve each year, I hope that you are successful in your journey. 2017 is going to be an amazing year.

I have missed blogging and plan on doing a much better job of it in 2017. I hope you all have an amazing NEW YEAR. May your new year bring about much joy and learning.

I look forward to seeing you all more this year. I appreciate your friendship in my life. Thank you!

Goals!

If I am to be completely honest with you, I have been avoiding something that I know makes me feel good. I am sure this has caused me to be more down than I should be and I know it. The thing is that it causes much pain. It hurts because of arthritis, it hurts because a lot of weight on a body hurts, it hurts in many other aspects, however through time, it will hurt less and less. I realize this. This thing I have been avoiding is.....

EXERCISE!

Saturday I walked 2.14 miles with my kids and I looked at my pedometer and realized I hadn't walked that much since June 8th which was the HIKE for Girls camp! It felt good. I loved the walk and I felt so much better after doing it. I wanted to keep going but the pain was getting to me, the youngest got a blister, and it was Waaaay past the kids bed time. So we quit and went home.

Today, I decided to go running. Yes I am overweight, yes, it hurts, but oh it feels so good. I LOVE RUNNING. Right now my running is more of a slow jog and I can't go as far as I used to before I had kids, but I did it. I ran half a mile today which for not having exercised much in 2 1/2 years isn't too bad. I did a full mile, but only ran half of it. It killed me, but I loved it!

It is time for me to get going. I have goals I want to get to. In order for me to reach these goals I have to start somewhere. So tonight I started running.

 What exactly are my goals? Most of you know that I want to be a police officer. I do. It is something I have dreamed of since I was a kid. It is something I have desperately wished for and hoped for and have never achieved because I have spent my time wishing instead of doing something about it. I got close once. I lost over 100 lbs and was getting closer and closer to my goal and then I got really sick and discouraged and I gave up and have since gained it all back.

I have other goals in life too. I want to be around for my kids and eventually grand kids. I want to run the way I used to. I want to take my kids to a theme park and be able to ride ALL of the rides with them and not just the ones I can barely fit in. I want to go on a zip line. I want to go shopping for clothes and not feel uncomfortable. These are just a few of the little goals I want to reach.

I had a friend who was a police officer who believed I could do it. He once told me that when the desire to be a police officer became my biggest desire that nothing would prevent me from getting healthy enough to fit in the blues. I think it is mighty time to show him I can do it. So those are my goals for now. Just a few of them anyway. If you see me out running, enjoy a quick laugh, and then please encourage me to keep going. It does help when people care. Thanks! Have a beautiful week!

 Feel free to share your goals here or on the facebook page!

Thank You

Hello Friends! I know I said I would write more often and I have failed. Ha! Summer has been very busy. We have been out and about spending time with family and friends. So I apologize for the lack of blogs this summer. 

I have been thinking lately about friendship. What is the value of a good friend? I have had hundreds of friends throughout my life. Some I have stayed friends with and yet there are others who have slowly become acquaintances and there are even a few that I no longer have a friendship with. How is it that I have held such a strong bond with some and not with others? These are a few of the things I have been thinking about lately. 

 I have thought about the amazing friendships I have built since I have moved to where I live. I have made some incredible and hopefully long lasting relationships. I have also lost a dear friend because of where I was in my life and where she was in hers. It was a tough time. 

As I thought about all of my amazing friends here, I realized how lucky I was in life. How amazing it is that I have such a great group of people that I can feel comfortable around no matter how much I weigh, or how crazy I am, or what life situations I am dealing with. Friends that I know I can count on. Friends that I am always willing to help when they need it. Friends who I can ask for toilet paper and they will not laugh because I ran out ;). Ha ha, that last one may or may not have actually happened. 

My point in all this is that I am thankful for amazing friends. I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you have all been an amazing part of my life and I realize how lucky I am. I have dealt with a lot of crazy in my life, from surgeries to injuries, depression, and much more. You have all stuck by me and have offered your amazing friendship regardless of my situation. For that I am very thankful. 

I know that life can be daunting at times. I know that things can be amazing. I hope that each of us have a few friends (or many) that we can count on in times of need, that we can be honest with, that we can laugh with, that we can cry with, that we can always have close. I hope you all know how much you each mean to me. I am so thankful for each of your friendships in my life. 

Today I am just Thankful for my Friends and I felt like I needed to say it out loud. I love you all!

I know it isn't Thanksgiving, but I am going to ask anyway. 

Feel free to comment here or on the Facebook Page. :) 

Where is She?

This is a very candid post. This is a new Mission to Be Happy, it is a chance to climb out of the darkness and become surrounded by the light of the Savior. Unfortunately, in order to do that, one must actually climb out of the darkness. This is my most recent journey out of the darkness.

I am sure many of you have wondered where I went. Well at least I hope one of you actually thought, "Wow, she hasn't written anything in a really long time, I wonder where she is?" It doesn't really matter if you thought that or not. I have been MIA for a while now. I have started several blog posts that I never ended up finishing because none of them were the right things to say at the moment.

So where DID I go? Besides completely crazy. Nowhere. I was crazy. I was crazy with frustration, pain, sorrow, heartache, negativity, failure, hurt, sadness, anger, and I really didn't want to feel that way anymore. I was depressed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go to the park. I didn't want to clean my house. I didn't want to socialize. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to talk to my kids or my husband. I didn't want to read my scriptures. I still did most of those things. I didn't want to, but I did. No matter how hard I tried to read my scriptures and say my prayers, and do all the things that I knew I needed to do, I still felt very shut off from the Lord.

After many long months of this a day came along that I locked my keys in my car, had a frustrating day with some things at home and then to top it all off my dish disposal quit working. I lost my mind at that moment. I called my husband and told him I needed to get away for a few days by myself. I wanted to run away. I couldn't stay here any longer. I couldn't handle it. So I booked a flight to California. I kept thinking that things would get better before I left and that I would think this whole situation was silly and that I was over reacting, but every day felt like it was getting worse. It felt like no matter how hard I tried to be the good wife and mom I always hoped to be, I was failing, so I thought.

I spoke with several friends. Some thought a trip alone was a really good idea and others knew the truth -that nothing would be different when I got back. They were both right. However, I needed to have a moment to collect my thoughts, in this case 5 days. I needed to get myself back on the right path with my savior. I needed to find a reason to live again, to have the will to get out of bed. So I flew to California. I spent the week with my Brother and Sister in law and my adorable niece. We went to Yosemite, Carmel by the Sea, and Monterrey. It was a beautiful week and I spent the majority of it in nature and with some of my favorite people. It was refreshing. I needed the break. My brother in law even made me a special birthday dinner of Chicken Marsala and home made Naan bread. It was sooooo good.

The trip was good. The food was good. Seeing family was great! The flight there was great. The flight home was miserable, but I survived. When I got home, nothing had changed, but I had started coming out of a depression that had hold of me for a long time. The trip at least helped me to be able to start climbing out of it.

Before I left I met with my bishop and we had a good discussion and I was able to ponder on that while I was in California. I haven't followed up with him since then, but I should. I had some amazing insight from my trip. I had a lot more after I returned home. Did things change while I was gone? No. I knew they wouldn't. Some of my friends even knew that. So maybe a trip to California was a little crazy, but no matter how crazy it was, it is the reason I was able to climb out of the darkness.

So where am I now? Well, I spent a week and a half after returning home planning the rest of Girl camp. I spent the whole time immersed in the scriptures and praying. I finished planning and shopping for camp and then of course I went to camp. Camp was great. I felt that I was very prepared and that we had a good turn out and I hope that the girls had fun. I felt the spirit for the first time in Months while at girls camp. When I opened the camp with my thoughts it was strong. I thought I was going to cry, but I don't like crying in front of people and I held back. I hope that the girls felt the spirit that was there throughout camp.

What is my point in all of this?

Mostly to say that first,  life can sometimes be depressing, hard, frustrating, painful, sorrowful, sad, full of anger and heartbreak. There may be times that you feel that the Lord is not there no matter how hard you try to feel his presence. Maybe you don't deal with depression, but there will be trials in your life. At least I haven't met anyone who has never had some kind of trial in their lives. Secondly, even though we may have these trials, there is a light at the end.  A happiness, a joy, a love, a smile, a gladness, a rejoicing, that will follow these great trials if we have faith.

I tried to do what I should be doing and eventually that light did come. It took time and it was a trial for me, but I am in the light and I feel great right now. I am closer to the Lord than I was a few weeks ago, honestly I am closer to the Lord now in the last few weeks than I have been in YEARS.  I don't know what changed or if I was just frustrated to a point that I didn't allow the Lord to enter my heart. Even though I had all the negative thoughts and feelings, I was able to get through that trial. It was hard, but the light of our Savior was there waiting for me to find it.

I hope that if you are ever experiencing a trial in your life that you will have faith that if you continue to do the things the Lord has asked of you, that eventually that light will come and your trial will end. I know that this is true. I have experienced it so many times, and sometimes we just need to remember that the Lord is always there. He is always willing to give us peace if we ask for it believing it will come to us. Remember that it will happen in the Lord's time. I have found that if I am not feeling peace or the trial is still causing all the negative feelings, that I have not exercised my faith, or there is something for me to learn from a specific trial.

So, anyway, in short, I AM BACK! I intend on writing some much happier posts now that I am feeling so much better. I hope that this post will help someone else to stay strong through a trial, or even ask for help from a friend, or your bishop, or just have faith that the trial you are going through will come to a close and the Lord will allow peace to come to you in his time.

I appreciate if you made it this far in my post. I think you are all amazing friends. I appreciate what you do for me whether you live close or far away. You are all fantastic. I hope you have a great week and I promise to write some more uplifting blogs in the future. :)

The Vacation You Shouldn't Take: Stop Giving Yourself Guilt Trips

Over the past year and a half-ish, I have been seeing a counselor. In addition to finding out I very likely have ADD (who knew, but it makes so much sense looking back), she has helped me see that I tend to guilt trip myself all the time. I know I am not alone in that habit. I am slowly becoming happier as I have learned how to tone that tendency down and stifle the guilt.

Save Guilt for Stuff That's Actually Bad

I know that so many of us beat ourselves up for all the things we don't get done, do wrong or otherwise don't accomplish to our satisfaction.  We are all imperfect beings, though. Too many times our expectations are too high and when we don't reach them, we berate ourselves needlessly. Guilt should be used when the situation actually warrants it, like a sin. Otherwise, take time to commit to working on being better, take a deep breath, and try to move on.

Take Trigger Words Out of Your Vocabulary

I have realized that there are words that tend to make the guilt build up. They include:

• I should
• I need to
• I have to

They tend to pile up for me especially due to the ADD. I can think of a million different things I "should" or "need" to do. However, if I don't accomplish them, I feel bad. I tell myself that I suck. I am not very kind to myself at all sometimes.

By carefully rewording statements I make to myself, I have felt some of the pressure lift. "I have to apply for 20 jobs today!" becomes "I would like to apply for 20 jobs today."  Subtle but important. If I don't manage to get it done, it doesn't feel quite as horrible to me and I am inspired to try again instead of berating myself for failing and feeling down.

Focus on the Positive About You

If you are prone to guilt trips, make some extra effort to see the good things you do. Try writing down a few things you did well, even if small, each day. It doesn't mean you are truly ignoring your weaknesses; it is always a good thing to work on improving yourself. However, if you are wallowing in guilt and negative thoughts about yourself, you can stay mired in that and miss the positive. Love yourself. Recognize the good that you do and work towards being gentle with yourself.

What helps you break the cycle of guilt trips and be happier?

Letting go of the Past

Letting go of the past has never been easy for me. I have spent a lot of time there in the past and even  recently. I let it get me down and rule my life and it has an effect on every aspect of my life. I gained weight, I spent more time in bed than out, I focused on those things that were really bothering me. Recently, one night as I spoke to a good friend, I was able to express some of the frustrations I was having. I realized that the past is just that. The Past. I needed to do something to get out of the past and back into the present. I have since been able to get out of bed each morning and do something productive. It is amazing what a good talk with a good friend can do for you. Anyway, as I work on my happiness, and bringing myself back from the past, I am feeling better each day. 

These quotes have really touched me deeply this week as I have worked on bringing myself back to the present. They have true meaning in my life and I hope that I will be able to grieve my losses and trust God. I am ready to embrace the life I have and work toward my goals with more intention and faith in the Lord. 

I am currently going to a therapist who got to hear quite the earful the other day. He and I will be working through the past, and until that happens, I am focusing on the present. Wishing things were different is not going to make things change. Acting and working on the things you want changed will. So I am done wishing things were different and I am ready to move forward. I hope you all have a wonderful week. :) A guest post will be coming soon! I am excited to share!